It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

Promo graphic for Writing Your Resilience Episode Twenty Three: It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, includes photo on the left of the host Lisa Cooper Ellison a middle-aged white woman with silver curly hair wearing a blue dress, and on the left guest Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a middle-aged Indian woman with mid-length curly black hair wearing a burnt orange sweater

About It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People with Dr. Ramani Durvasula


Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, shares her insights into narcissism, how narcissistic abuse survivors can heal, how to get support, and how to care for yourself when writing and promoting a book on tough topics. 



Transcript for It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People with Dr. Ramani Durvasula

I discovered Dr. Ramani Durvasula through Ingrid Clayton, and soon fell in love with her YouTube channel and the spot-on advice she gave during her Ask Dr. Ramani videos. Then I learned about her class on gaslighting and signed up for it in support of the launch for her New York Times bestselling book It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. Dr. Ramani is a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, CA, Professor Emerita of Psychology at CSULA, and the Founder of LUNA ETC, a company focused on educating individuals, clinicians and businesses/institutions on the impact of narcissistic personality styles. To learn about her other books and many accomplishments, please see the show notes.

During this episode, Dr. Ramani and I took a deep dive into what narcissism is, how narcissistic abuse impacts not just our emotions, but the stories we tell about ourselves, and how you can set boundaries and heal. Before we get to our conversation, I have a few questions for you. What do you really know about narcissism, antagonistic behavior, and gaslighting? If you’ve been a victim of narcissistic abuse, how do you think this experience has impacted you? What work have you done to heal? What’s left to do? I hope you’ll ponder these questions as you listen along. Now, let’s get to my interview with Dr. Ramani.

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Show Notes for It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People with Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, shares her insights into narcissism, how narcissistic abuse survivors can heal, how to get support, and how to care for yourself when writing and promoting a book on tough topics. 

Dr. Ramani’s Bio: Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist in California, the founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training and Consulting, and professor emerita of psychology at California State University Los Angeles. She is the New York Times bestselling author of It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. She is also the author of multiple other books including Don’t You Know Who I Am: How to Stay Sane in the Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility and Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. She has lectured and trained therapists around the world on best practices on working with clients experiencing narcissistic abuse and has developed a 36-hour virtual training and certification program in conjunction with PESI to train clinicians on how to use an Antagonism-Informed approach with clients experiencing narcissistic relationships. Dr. Durvasula hosts a popular YouTube channel with over 1.6 million subscribers, hosted the critically acclaimed podcast Navigating Narcissism, and is a featured expert on the digital media platform MedCircle. She has also been widely involved in the governance of the American Psychological Association, including the APA Leadership Institute for Women in Psychology and the APA Minority Fellowship Program. Dr. Durvasula received her M.A., and Ph.D. degrees in clinical psychology from UCLA, and completed her internship and post-doctoral training at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute. She completed her Bachelor of Science Degree in Psychology, with a minor in sociology in 1988 at the University of Connecticut. She resides in Los Angeles, CA.

Resources Mentioned During This Episode:

Episode Highlights

  • 6:11 How Narcissism Affects You
  • 11:47 Narcissism versus Antagonistic Behavior
  • 16:21 Radical Acceptance and the Problem of Toxic Hope
  • 28:00 The Disengagement Continuum
  • 33:00 Disenfranchised Grief
  • 38:00 Breaking Through Cognitive Dissonance
  • 43:00 Healing and Getting Support
  • 51:46 Dr. Ramani’s Best Writing Advice

Connect with Dr. Ramani

Connect with your host, Lisa:

Sign up for Psychology of Character Development for Memoirists: https://janefriedman.com/the-psychology-of-character-development-for-memoirists-with-lisa-cooper-ellison/

Produced by Espresso Podcast Production: https://www.espressopodcastproduction.com



About Your Host

Lisa Cooper Ellison is an author, speaker, trauma-informed writing coach, and host of the Writing Your Resilience podcast. She works and writes at the intersection of storytelling and healing, and combines her personal experiences with suicide loss and CPTSD with her clinical training to help writers turn tough experiences into art. Her essays and stories have appeared on Risk! and in The New York TimesHuffPostHippocampus Literary Magazine, and Kenyon Review Online, among others


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