Writing Your Resilience Episode 1: Got Resilience?

Now, it’s not just that I was writing, and that’s the only thing I did. I also took the medicines that I was supposed to take, changed my diet, and went to therapy,. I did a lot of different things but the writing taught me something profound about how we heal ourselves. One of the biggest things that happened was, I didn’t just begin to change the story I was telling about this illness or about other things that happened in my life; I wrote a lot about various things that had happened. I was training my nervous system to work in a new way—which is essential, because when you have complex PTSD, your nervous system has been changed by the chronic traumas that you faced, especially the ones from childhood. Having this revolutionary thing happened to me, I studied as much as I could about creativity and psychology—things that I had started studying in graduate school. But now I studied them with a new fervor, because I just knew there was something important about it.

I ended up getting a certificate in primary care behavioral health. I was able to take the Daring Greatly Course with Brené Brown. I worked with her for six months. I read books on narrative therapy, and I learned as much as I could. I also took a lot of writing classes. I had taken writing classes when I was an undergrad, and after that I had taken some graduate-level writing classes, but now I resumed that work, and I studied how writing affects our nervous systems. I wrote essays, I worked on a memoir. As I did this, I healed, and my life changed in these profound ways.

As I got better, I became really clear about what my life’s purpose was and what my dreams were. I had always wanted to be a writer and a writing teacher. This has been a calling for a long time. But I never believed that I was talented enough or that I had the credentials because I didn’t have an MFA. I would just tell myself, “Who do you think you are to even consider becoming a writer? Who do you think you are?” Right? Have you ever said those things to yourself? It’s a common phrase that people say, and you know what, it’s a phrase that keeps you down. So, I would say these things to myself. But that calling was stronger than these negative things I was saying.

I had read Natalie Goldberg’s book, Writing Down the Bones. In this book, she too wanted to be a writing instructor, and so she went to these church basements, and she put up a sign that said free writing class. She taught whoever showed up.

My version of that was to go to the mental health counseling place I had worked at and ask them if I could teach a variation on the mindfulness-based writing course I had taken that had changed my life. I did it. It went well, so I taught it again. Then I taught a variation on that class for a local community college. Then I ended up working at a nonprofit writing center where I also taught that class and another on writing with an open heart. As I began to learn more, I started teaching classes on memoir, and the dream I’d always had began to open up for me.

Speaker 1  15:01 

Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of working with thousands of courageous, motivated, talented, and, most importantly, resilient writers of tough stories. Some of these people have gone on to get major book deals and become New York Times bestselling authors but others have simply done the holy work of using writing to heal themselves and their families.

Now, I say both things together for a reason. One is not better than the other. One is about ego, and let’s face it, New York Times bestselling author, that sounds pretty good, feels pretty good to the ego. But if you had to choose between that, and this other sacred work, I’m going to tell you, the sacred work is more important because that is the stuff that creates deep satisfying meaning in your life. So always go for the sacred over what the ego can offer.

For a long time, I just had to have faith that if I showed up, if I changed myself, doors would open for me and they did. I’ve gone from a person who wondered if I had what it took to write, to not just writing to heal myself, but doing the things that the ego likes, like getting published in the Kenyan Review.

While I’m super excited about the memoir that I’ve written about my brother’s suicide, that book that I thought I could never write, which is now on submission with publishers. I’ve also been at work on another book, Write Wise: A Mindful and Irreverent Guide to Writing about Trauma, Loss, and Other Tough Stuff that Messed Us Up. This book is based on the years of teaching that I’ve done on trauma. So, I’ve been teaching lots of classes on writing about trauma. I’ve had lots of conversations with writers about this. This work is based on the skills that I teach and the work that I do as a writing coach.

To sell this book, and my other book, it’s important to have an author platform. Now, if you’ve been writing for a while, you’ve probably heard this word, and you probably also hate this word but if you’re a new writer, let me unpack this for you. So, when someone is going to sell a book, you must be able to show that people are interested in reading this book, we call that our reach. There are lots of ways to reach readers; some people publish essays or teach classes or become speakers; or you can have a big following on social media. There are all these things you can do that can help you build a platform and a reach that you can grow, so it’s clear that there’s demand for what you have written. As I was thinking about the platform that I currently have, and how I can grow it, I got really clear about my values, like what matters to me.

If you’re going to build an author platform, that’s the most important thing that I invite you to do. These are my values, I value making sure everyone has access to the tools to help them write. That’s important to me, because currently, I have a lot of privilege. I’ve been working in this field long enough that I have access to people who can answer my questions, and I have the resources to be able to take classes. There was that time in my life when I was that kid who was carrying trash bags across a divided highway and didn’t even have enough money to eat the next day. That kid had a writing dream, too. Making sure people have access to information is important to me.

I also care about supporting others, because what I have learned over the years is the more you support other people, the more you support yourself. I also wanted to do something that allowed me to be authentic. I try to be as authentic as I can on social media, but for me, there are some limits. So, I thought, where could I do this? My newsletter is one place, but I knew that having authentic conversations with people was another place, and that is where the podcast came from.

One of the issues I have always been interested in is resilience. That is probably because as a trauma survivor, there have been times in my life when I felt so fundamentally broken. I didn’t know I could take one step forward. When I did, I wondered how the hell I did that.

Here’s another reason why it matters; over the years, I have had the privilege of watching people do incredible things, face incredible odds, and take that next step forward despite their fears, despite their doubts. That’s an important part of resilience. We often think resilience means tough or strong or capable, you know, someone with no fear, but that is not true. True resilience is honoring the fact that you have fear, that you have doubt, making space for that, and doing something anyway. I really care about having conversations about how people do this, because I’m constantly looking for new ways to grow in this area and looking for new strategies to teach other people.

Trauma survivors are incredibly resilient people. They have amazing grit and yet, resilience is not just this inborn quality that we all have, it is a set of skills that can be learned. Most of the time, trauma survivors are not in situations where they get to learn these skills. I want to have conversations that help people learn these skills and apply them to the writing process. Because when you can do that, you can capitalize on your strengths and do amazing things.

So, I also want to broaden your understanding of what resilience is, what it looks like, and how we’re always in conversation with it. I don’t like just having theoretical conversations about things. I’m very practical., I want to give you concrete tools for building your resilience, so that if you’re writing the tough stuff, or living the tough stuff, or you just want to feel like you have what it takes, I want to give you something practical to do.

The most important thing that you can do in your life is confront the bullshit stories you’ve been telling yourself. Now, if you got a bunch of bullshit stories, which I have a bunch, you know, it’s important to be gentle with yourself, because you learned these stories unconsciously. Either somebody told them to you, or you were watching things happen, or you built them yourself. But but it was largely an unconscious process. It’s not your fault that you have them. But these bullshit stories do not serve you anymore. So, the more you can flip the script on those stories, the more you can become your authentic self. When you do that, incredible things will happen.

I really want your feedback on all of this because your input is going to help me put the finishing touches on Write Wise. By offering it to me, you’re going to be a co-creator of that project, which means you are a drop in the bucket of its success. So, I’m going to thank you right now for the contribution you’re going to make because this podcast isn’t just me interviewing people and giving something to you. It is a collaboration, and I welcome you into the collaboration.

So, during this season, we’re going to look at a lot of different things, which I’m very excited about. We’re going to look at how silence, loneliness, self-gaslighting, and trauma impact the stories we tell ourselves. You’re going to learn how self-compassion, seeing the big picture, and claiming your neurodiversity can help you become more resilient and a better writer. Plus, we’re going to look at these practical things. We’re going to look at how in the world you navigate research when you’re working on a project, how to portray difficult characters, and how to care for yourself when you are writing the toughest of stories. All of this is going to happen in season one, and I am so excited to share that with you.

I want to wrap up with a quote that I heard the other day from a colleague of mine, Trudy Hale. So, Trudy is the editor of Streetlight Literary Magazine, which is a place where you can submit your work. She’s also the owner of The Porches, which is a writing retreat center in Nelson County, Virginia, which is absolutely amazing. I have gone there so many times and gotten so much work done. I cannot tell you how good it is. So, we were having an email exchange, and she shared this quote with me, which was something that she had heard during her MFA at Antioch University. Here’s the quote: “When writing, we are suturing our souls.” My deepest hope is that the tips, inspiration, and insights you receive from this podcast serve as the thread that helps you do this work, because I already know that if you’re listening, something is calling you to the page. Something is calling you to your stories. Your job is simply to show up.

Speaker 1  24:41 

I want to thank you so much for showing up today to this podcast and for all the ways that you show up in your life. You are a bright light, you are incredible, you are amazing, and you are resilient! I look forward to being a part of your journey as you find ways to always write on, and to always be your biggest, best, and brightest self.

That’s it for today’s episode. Before you leave, I would love your help spreading the word about this podcast. You can do this in a few very simple ways. Click on the subscribe button in the upper right-hand corner on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, and then leave a five-star review. You can also let me know what you think or share ideas for the podcast by connecting with me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, or through my Writing Your Resilience newsletter, which you can have delivered directly to your inbox.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai